


Your Robert

by livesybaby



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Affair era, Emo af, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, mention of suicide, minor description of suicide, prepare for feeeeels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 15:29:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6860803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livesybaby/pseuds/livesybaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron deals with Roberts death in secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Robert

Body found in hotel room… _alone_  
Body found in hotel room-  
Body found-  
Body-

My skin began to itch and I felt myself turn seven shades redder, purple and then finally white. Her voice, Chrissie’s voice was dry and hoarse. I could tell she’d been crying, though she had dressed herself in a makeshift cover of a woman in control. I knew how she felt, how broken her heart was and how many different scenarios were racing through her brain, I knew because he’d been mine too, if only for a little while. My eyes glazed over as she went over what the police had said and her voice began to fade into nothingness until the static in my brain took over and I raced from the bar seemingly unnoticed by anyone except Victoria. 

I rushed through the backroom and straight upstairs, my thundering feet waking my Mum from her lie in. She pushed her way into my bedroom with her dressing gown wrapped tightly around her; I didn’t even have the energy to scold her for not knocking. My knees pulled against my chest with my chin resting against them I tried so hard to fight the sobs echoing in my throat but Mum sat next to me and placed her hand on my arm comfortingly and I just broke. The tears spilled down my cheeks and dripped from my jaw, my breathing quickening and painful rasps as I fought to stay composed. 

“What the hell is going on?” Mum asked frantically “Son, what’s wrong?” 

“He’s dead” I gasped, my throat burning red and dry “Robert’s dead” 

Mum didn’t speak and she didn’t have to, she just pulled my head against her chest and I couldn’t help but think that I hadn’t been this comforted by her since I was seven years old. Mum and Paddy were the only people who knew about me and Robert and it was right now that I was glad they’d found out, if they hadn’t I would have had no choice but to explain now why I was so distraught over the death of a man I barely knew. A few minutes later and we were sat in silence, my tears still shiny against my skin and my hands wrapped in my sweater-sleeves. Forced to explain to my Mum what happened and the real reason I had come home early last night. 

“We were arguing” I breathed “It was supposed to just be an overnight thing for his meeting… but he started talking about some party he’d got to go to with Chrissie tonight and I just lost it… told him it wasn’t enough. I told him it was either me or her but he said he couldn’t choose… didn’t want to choose… he wanted the best of both and I told him I couldn’t give him that… I’ve never seen him so upset. He’s always acted like it didn’t matter… like I didn’t matter… like I was some toy that he could get bored of at some point… but then last night… he said it back… said he loved me… it’s the first time he’s ever said it back…” 

“Well that’s good isn’t it? It means he was finally accepting it…” Mum started

“But he wasn’t… not really” I sighed “I told him that if he really loved me, he’d end it with Chrissie… come out as Gay or Bisexual… or whatever he is… but he said he doesn’t like labels and he wasn’t going to have people staring at him in the streets just because it’s what I wanted for him… So we argued… I ended it… said it wasn’t enough… and then I left…” 

“So what happened between then and now?” Mum asked cautiously 

I looked at her sadly, biting my lip as I replayed Chrissie’s words in my head. 

Body found in hotel room… _alone_  
Body found in hotel room-  
Body found-  
Body-

“He was so sad when I left him” my voice cracked “I’ve never seen him cry before… not like that… he looked so…so…broken…it’s all my fault Mum… I did that to him… I shouldn’t have pushed him… I should have just accepted it…I should have-“

“None of this is your fault son, you were right to want more… you were right to want a real relationship with him, you deserved that” Mum soothed, rubbing her hand in circles on my back lightly

“They said it was an overdose… and _intentional_ overdose… Chrissie said it was probably from being overworked and stressed… but I know the real reason… why did I get to know the real reason? It shouldn’t be me here knowing the workings of fucking Robert Sugden’s brain… She was married to him for fucks sake, why me? Why did he have to tell me things? I know him better than anyone Mum… even his own family… even his fucking Wife… They’ll all go about their lives thinking of Robert… the man that got too stressed over a job he loved and ended up topping himself… what about the Robert I know? What about the Robert who was so terrified of not being a ‘real man’ that he gave up any chance of happiness for a bottle of fucking sleeping pills?!” 

I broke down again. 

Soon my eyes were as red-raw as my throat and I was all cried out. I felt the need to pour my heart out but it was already empty, I couldn’t cry anymore and I was exhausted. Mum was silent, her fingers running absentmindedly through my hair and for once I didn’t mind the affection, I felt comforted. I heard a floorboard creak outside the room before a light knock on my bedroom door; I called out a hoarse “Come in” before sharing a confused glance with Mum. Victoria came in, shutting the door behind her quietly. My gaze softened as I took in her form, her cheeks were stained with tears and her makeup was ruined, she looked so small and fragile and her bottom lip trembled as she began to speak.

“I know I shouldn’t have been listening… but I saw that you were upset and I was confused…” She explained “… now I know why”

“Oh Vic” my voice cracked as I stood up “I’m so sorry” 

I expected her to yell at me, scream at me for taking her brothers last breath away and I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d hit me. I’d have taken it, I’d have taken anything she threw at me because I knew I deserved it after everything I’d done. What I didn’t expect was for the tears to form in her eyes and her to practically fall into my arms, her head against my chest as she wept. I wrapped my arms around her protectively before raising my head to glance at Mum, she half-smiled and nodded her head comfortingly before leaving the room. 

“I knew… you know” Victoria sniffed, pulling her head up to face me “Not about you… but I knew he wasn’t straight” 

I stared for a moment, how could she possibly have known? Robert had spent his entire life trying to hide his sexuality and now Victoria insisted that she knew? She must have seen my confusion because she wiped her eyes before speaking again. 

“When we were kids I used to have these horrible nightmares about the fire… Sometimes I’d wake up screaming and other times I’d wake up just before the bad bit happened… I remember waking up one night and sneaking into Robert and Andy’s room, only Robert wasn’t there so I went downstairs to look for him. I heard him in the kitchen with my Dad; they were on about this lad who was in Robert’s class at school… Kyle, his name was… he had two gay Dad’s and I remember Dad saying that Kyle would turn out gay because of it… he said “He’ll be one of them… one of those sort… you mark my words he will” … I don’t even know why they were talking about it… it was well after midnight and Dad never let any of us stop up past ten… Robert had asked what was wrong with being Gay and Dad laughed… said if any of his sons turned out gay he’d disown ‘em… said that Sugden men were _real_ men and real men had wives… they never spoke of it again but I remember the next day Robert took all of the boy-band posters down from his bedroom wall… he’d never really been the same after that… always so defensive… always trying to be the son my Dad wanted…” Victoria explained

“So you think the reason he was scared was because of your Dad?” I asked quietly

Victoria nodded “Robert craved my Dads love so much that it ruined him… Nothing he ever did was enough and I think that’s why he never showed his true self to anyone… well… he did to me… and I suppose he did to you too…” 

“Yeah” I breathed “Sometimes I feel like I knew a completely different person to the one everyone else saw” 

“I’m glad you made him happy” she smiled lightly “If only for a little while”

I looked away momentarily, tears threatening to spill over again.

“But it wasn’t enough” I sighed “In the end, I was never enough” 

By the time Roberts funeral came around everyone except Victoria, Mum and I had been filled in on a lie, Robert was over-worked… too stressed… couldn’t cope… and in a way I was glad the attention wasn’t on me, on our relationship and that Chrissie could grieve for the husband she thought she knew rather than the man who was in love with someone else. I stood in the background as his body was laid to rest, and Ashley read out biblical quotes from his bible. 

The crowd faded away with promise of a get together at home farm, a sort of celebration of life as Lawrence put it and soon only Vic and I were left in the graveyard. 

“It was a lovely service” I commented, thinking back to the extravagant send off the White’s had paid for. 

“Yeah” Victoria smiled “He’d have hated it” 

We shared a small laugh as we gazed at the place where he lay. 

“I’ve got something for you” Victoria sighed “He left two envelopes in his hotel room addressed to me and Chrissie… and inside mine, he’d written one for you too” she pulled out a small white envelope and handed it over, my hands trembled as I received it. 

“You don’t have to read it now” she smiled, putting her hand on my arm

“W-Was yours… is it bad?” I stuttered, the envelope suddenly weighing a ton in my hand

“It was beautiful actually… all the things he never said to my face… somehow softens the blow” she smiled

I waited until I was in bed that night before tearing the envelope open. I’d been staring at the envelope on my nightstand for at least an hour before and no matter how many times I took a deep breath the thought of opening it never got any easier. My eyes grew cloudy as I read the opening words. 

_My Aaron,_  
I’m sorry. I know these aren’t the words you want to hear and I totally understand you feeling the need to kick my head in right now, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.   
Please believe me when I say that you are enough. You are more than enough, more than I ever deserved and I’m so fucking grateful that I ever met you.   
I’m not ready to admit who I am and I’m not sure I ever will be, you deserve so much more than being my secret love. I do love you Aaron, I swear I do no matter about all the ugly things I’ve ever said to you, please believe that I will always love you.   
Victoria always spoke so highly of you and now I know why, I’m glad I got the honour of knowing what an incredible person you are Aaron. Please take care of her for me, I know you will.   
One last request; please, for me… don’t blame yourself for this, it wasn’t your fault. I just wasn’t ready to live the rest of my life as half of what I wanted to be, you complete me Aaron and I’m sorry I couldn’t see that at the start. I hope you can move on from this, really I do. You deserve to find someone who’s ready to give you everything you deserve.   
I love you Aaron, and I always will.   
Your Robert x  


I read the letter again at least twelve times before folding it carefully and replacing it on my nightstand. That night I slept in absolute silence, I was numb. I’d lost a man that wasn’t even really mine, not really and yet I felt a gaping hole in my chest where my heart should be. 

Chrissie never found out about Robert and I, soon the White’s moved out of Home Farm and halfway across the country, fresh start they said and I was thankful. Vic and I are closer than ever, Adam’s oblivious to the knowing glances we share whenever one of Robert’s favourite songs comes on the radio or when some pretentious prat walks into the pub in a suit. Life is getting easier and I should be a pro at it now considering both of my serious relationships ended in tragedy. 

I still visit his graveside every day. 

I still dream of him when I go to sleep at night.

I still think of Chrissie’s broken words that morning in the Woolpack.

Body found in hotel room… _alone_  
Body found in hotel room-  
Body found-  
Body-


End file.
